Rebbie's Dating Adventure... Part 3

So many messages from people asking why I hadn't updated any of you on what was going on in my OkCupid world... That's because nothing much had really been happening... except what I'm about to talk about towards the end...
I did the thing I knew I would do, and that is, struggle to find the time to answer to everyone's messages.. (I started to feel bad when I didn't reply)...
So I started slacking...
The annoying thing with OkCupid is that the site tells people on your profile how often you reply to your messages... so I'm one of these people now who reply 'Selectively' or even 'Very selectively' and if I'm honest, that makes me feel like a bitch. haha. If I could reply to all the messages all the time, I would. I love talking to people, however unfortunately.... I cant!! :(.

I was sat with my housemate, (Also on OkCupid... in fact,  all 3 of my housemates are on there!) and on the quickmatch (Where rate randomly generated profiles) I got all 3 of them on my quick match within a few minutes! It was interesting to see their profiles, especially seen as two of them are together.

Although now, I have registered as an 'A-list' member, which means I get a few extra special magic powers on the site, such as, I can browse peoples profiles without them knowing I did... Finally, that was the one thing about the site that I hated...

And I can finally see, who said they liked me.... so if I find someone on that list that I find interesting... I already know they kinda atleast think the same about me. So yay!.

However there was one guy I was talking to, seemed normal, looked normal, weirdly looked very much like someone I had a fling with once... and I'm not saying he wasn't normal, he was. He just totally didn't look like the type of guy who would be into the stuff he was... He just looked like your average kid, very generic, (my old friend who he looked like was an absolute pussy, so I kinda assumed he would be a little softy too) so we were talking for a fair few weeks... he found my blog and asked my opinion on certain things like escorting etc... then obviously, escorting moved on to sexual desire and then he told me he was into really hardcore domination, and I froze. I'm not someone who likes to talk about their sexual desires, especially over the internet with someone I don't know... So I had spent the whole conversation being like 'erm.. I don't know, you?' Then he just threw me out of the water with this one. I was like daaaamn boy!
It kinda reminded me, not to judge a book by it's cover... everyone has their little kinks, and some people's can be VERY surprising!

One tip for those of you on dating websites etc. This may be a very obvious thing to watch out for, but if someone is straight away saying that 'oh your photo makes me want to do naughty things' 3 guesses what they're all about. I had someone do this to me yesterday. Though his username was something along the lines of 'thepartyanimal' so you really can't be surprised. And the same applies if they ask for your number straight away.
Why would I give my number to some stranger on the internet? That has only sent me 2 messages? Stay safe on the internet kids ! :)

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Rebbie's dating site adventure...the first night.

Ok, so the curiosity got the better of me, and I signed up to a dating site... This post is pretty much going to be a running commentary of my thoughts while signing up... :)

The personality of OkCupid is amazing... The username Rebbie was taken... but look at their suggestions!

I almost went with 'Rebbie-o-matic' the sex machine, but... Ok, I totally regret with going for Rebbieinabox now. Rebbieasaurus would of been a good one, but I thought it was a little too scene kid...

But moving on to some of my details... I forget quite often I was born under the unfortunately named star sign... 

I decided to leave the second half of that question blank....

You have to be pretty kinky to answer with 'not possible' right? I couldn't imagine someone just sitting there like, yup, Noone can out-kink me! haha. You must have a filthy mind...

But to me, these questions are just getting better.....

'Depends on which race...' I can just imagine someone leant back in their computer chair, going through all the different types of race, checklisting in their head... I'm not sure if you guys are finding this as funny as I am...
So I thought it was time to check out some of the matches OkCupid found for me...
Putting my orientation as Bi-sexual, it came up with a couple of girls, and I found this little gem on a local girls profile...

She could of said ANYTHING else in the world, literally ANYTHING. is it just me, or is that the kind of thing people should be putting on their profiles... I suppose it is a dating site... you should get to know these things about a person...

Anyway, after 3 hours of trying to fix my profile etc. I'm tired... and seen as it's nearly 4am. I suppose I should get to sleep. But I want to hear your stories/experiences of dating websites, or even just share your opinion.

Join the discussion on Facebook, or Twitter or feel free to email me here :)
And we shall see in the morning, what lies in store for me online...

Gossip and Drama..

Hey guys.
Sorry I hadn't blogged in oh so long... too many things have been happening it's unreal and crazy!

But something I've been thinking about is the amount of shit that goes down in our lives, we go around saying 'we hate drama' and 'why does shit always seem to kick off' but deep down we do live for it a little bit, you've got to admit...
We all like to gossip and know little things about each other. Curiosity is a natural thing, but we hate it when all the hate is coming in our direction...

But something that is gripping people all around the world is reality TV, a lot of people do like to watch shows like 'the only way is Essex' and what have you... (A lot of people who hate it, actually haven't watched it :P) I never have, and granted there are people on there that have seen it and just don't like it. But a lot of us get into the lives of others and the drama and gossip...
I'm a real sucker for the 'Real Housewives' franchise. I love the shows... But then again, I do like to gossip and be opinionated on stuff at times...

We all have a natural curiosity for things, and when it comes to the people around you, it interests you, because you know that person, and you're all like 'oooooh.' And reality shows do so well because without realising, you do begin to feel like you know these people that are on your TV screens, because they are sharing private moments in their lives, and you see them in their homes, from doing outrageous things, to just everyday things that we can relate to. You get an insight into them and you start to relate to them and form your own opinions and stuff.

But when it comes to our lives, and the people around us, a lot of people get VERY gossipy and opinionated about stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with them. And so begins the whole talking about people behind their backs and what have you.
RULE NUMBER ONE: don't say anything about anyone that you wouldn't say to their faces. Because people gossip and some people have no problem with confronting people about what they've apparently said. So be careful guys with what you say, and if you do over motor your mouth, slagging someone off etc. Apologise. Too many friendships break from over powered motormouths...

To be fair, no one should be slagging off someone about some idol gossip anyway, unless you know the full story. But we do tend to make some kind of opinion based on what we hear, it's natural. But voicing it is a different matter, and people really need to be careful about what they are saying.
Your mouth has the ability to get you into good places, and it also earns itself a good smack when it doesn't know when to stop!

Be careful with what you say guys... if it doesn't involve you, try not to involve yourself with your opinions.. makes life a hell of a lot easier...

Decisions.

The thing is, we all make decisions. Right, wrong, indifferent, stupid, crazy, smart etc, and each decision we make takes us on a different path.
Some we keep secret, and some we push out there. We judge people by the decisions they make, but who are we to judge them?
Everyone makes decisions that some people won't agree with. But this is our life. If you're going to make big decisions you have to;

-Know the negative as well as the positive consequences.
-Accept that not everyone will agree with them

-Those who don't will sometimes have a strong opinion and therefore a large mouth!
-Accept every negative response/consequence as well as the positive.

You'd think these are pretty simple and everyone follows them? But they don't and some people genuinely aren't prepared for the negativity that comes with some decisions. One of the most common I've seen recently is one of the most stupid things. Offensive jokes/quotes/sayings... or even jokes/quotes/saying in general really, whether you say them online, through text, to peoples faces etc, a lot of people can't stand the fact that some people will turn round and not agree, be offended by what people say... and it starts an argument. For example, when a celebrity dies, facebook/twitter etc goes mad with jokes, puns etc. The person saying is only having a bit of a laugh, but it always goes to a person/people who don't like it, say something, and that person who told the joke or what have you goes ape shit at this person for being offended.
We all know that situation right?
If you're going to say something taboo/offensive or anything along that train or even on another train, in life everyone disagrees, accept it, don't kick off and be a dick. The words 'I didn't mean for that to offend anyone' or even the words 'Sorry' aren't hard to say/type. It's not hard to accept that someone's feelings were tugged at, just as it's not hard to accept that people find what you say, or what other people say humorous.

Another different example...
We all go out and have a laugh with our friends, have amazing nights out, some of us even drink a little too much and some people even like to take the occasional person home with them.
Everyone who knows me knows I don't have a problem with single people having one night stands etc. You're not hurting anyone or doing anything wrong. But sometimes this does cause a negative image with some people if this is a regular thing, or if that person you take home is a wanker and doesn't tell you they're with someone/married/engaged/a monk/nun/elephant/tree what have you, you have to be honest, who has time for a background check on a night out?
I'm not saying anyone should put up with abuse like that, not in the slightest, but people talk, people bitch, you have to learn to take the bullshit and put it in a place where it can't hurt you. I see it's not the best example to use, but as much as people have to accept you aren't doing anything intentionally bad, you also have to take bad responses, and throw them over your shoulder in the best way possible. It's just a different view point to a very common situation.

You know, you make decisions, sometimes we get negative reactions etc. But that's just life. Sometime's we're totally not prepared for them and they catch us off guard. Sometimes we genuinely believe we're not doing anything wrong and that's fine. Not one person on this earth hasn't made a bad/wrong decision. We're imperfect, but I believe that's what makes us perfect people.

Some people make bad decisions, knowing they're bad, but won't accept the bad consequences. People like that... they're just cowards. The strongest people take situations as they are, good or bad.

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Being confident with identity.

I just read a blog post of a friend I used to be extremely close to before I came to Uni, (http://amy-dale.blogspot.com/) And one of her blog posts (Here goes nothing) talks about her identity as a person and how she see's herself.
Through-out life we all pick up different Labels/titles/identities such as Mother, Father, Boss, Employee, Wife, Husband etc, and they're all pretty standard yes? But sometimes we pick up more unique things within our identity which sometimes people find hard to accept. For example my friend Amy talks about how she feels there is a boy trapped within her body and that he is a part of her, and I really admire her courage to be able to tell people this part of her which is obviously very important to her identity, especially when it's something that not everyone finds themselves able to accept in a person. I'm not saying you should go and write a blog about all the unique things about you, but what I'm trying to say is that even though not everyone may be able to accept certain things about you. If they are things that are a part of you, mean a lot to you and make you happy, you shouldn't shy away from it.
A lot of people get depressed over hiding various parts of themselves and their lives because of what people may think about them, or that they've convinced themselves the people in their lives will leave and strangers will look at them in the street and say a load of crap. Sometimes unfortunately these things do happen, not everyone can accept things, or agree with how you feel etc. But if you're acting ashamed of yourself or a part of your life, you won't be happy. You have to embrace every part of you and be like 'This is me.'

As I said to my friend Amy, I wouldn't look her in any other way than the way I already see her. I see her as a great friend, someone I share many memories with etc. She's a lovely person, and someone that always has me in stitches about 90% of the time i'm with her (The other 10% I'm recovering from laughing at all the stupid things we do and say together!)

A lot of people may not feel the same as you, agree with you, or even accept it, but pretty much nearly everyone who cares about you will respect you and that whatever it is is a part of your life and a part of you!

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And don't forget to check out my friend Amy's blog! She's an awesome girl! :)

What counts as cheating?

Everyone has a different view on what they see as cheating in a relationship. For example some people see kissing another person of the opposite sex cheating, and some don't. Others count emotional relationships and so on.
But is cheating really? The definition is 'An immoral way of achieving a goal.' so if you're unhappy emotionally, or the sex in the relationship has gone downhill/become non existent. Finding that with someone else is an immoral way of going about it, because you're breaking the trust.

Everyone has a different boundary of what counts as cheating in their book, so what's yours?

I personally feel it has a big thing to do with how secure you feel in your relationship, if you feel comfortable knowing that your partner does adore you like they should, then you feel a lot more at ease, a lot less paranoid, and if you did find him kissing a friend as a joke, you wouldn't be too miffed about it.
However if you are a little more insecure, a little bit more possessive, those kind of things can bother you a lot more. I've found that it's this factor of security which varies peoples opinions.

I myself have been in relationships where I've laughed while my boyfriends been kissing someone else, and I've been in relationships where the same situation has infuriated me!

Obviously if you go further than kissing it is a pretty much universal view that it is cheating, it's mainly kissing where peoples opinions vary.

Emotional Relationships
As many people know, you don't physically have to participate in anything sexual to be 'cheating' on your relationship. We get close to people that we begin to like more, and those people begin to fill a hole your life. If you're not completely happy, we have someone that we are attracted to and love on some level and they make us feel that happy again, and the same for them to you. But is that cheating?

I don't personally feel like it is cheating, but if you're thinking about how you'd rather be in a relationship with them rather than the person you are in a relationship with, something is seriously wrong, and you have to decide whether your relationship is worth trying to save, or that you need to leave. I do feel like it is a form of betrayal, and it will cause hurt even though there is no sex involved.

What are your opinions? Leave a comment below, follow on facebook or twitter (Links above)
Or email me at Shaneyxcakes@gmail.com

Dating Websites.

Everyone has an opinion on them, some people say they're a great way to meet new people online, some people say it's a place for desperate people to go because they can't find someone real.

I honestly don't think you can judge them unless you've tried it out for yourself.
I think they're great websites for getting to know people, making friends, and maybe meeting someone who you might want to start a relationship with.
I've gotten to know many people during my time on them and I've had some really amazing conversations and laughs with the people I've met.

Obviously it comes with it's risks, not being 100% sure of who you're talking to etc, but there are things you can do to make yourself a little bit safer.

Talk on webcam, for example MSN and Skype. Alot of the people who message me, ask if I have MSN or Skype, so they can actually see who I am. Although I never give it out (I also never use them anymore). It is a safe way of seeing for yourself who this person is.
Unfortunately you can never know 100% that the person is safe, but it's a great trust allowing someone to see your face and knowing who you are.
Also, don't rush when it comes to meeting this person, If someone is genuine and safe, they will happily wait a little while before meeting, and won't rush.

A lot of people have very successful relationships and friendships with people they've met online, and I really don't believe it is for 'desperate people' at all.
It's a great way to make a great first impression with someone who doesn't know you, and a fresh start away from any negativity that your reputation may have.
Everyone has had something false/bad gone round about them, especially if you live in a place where everyone knows everyone, gossip is one thing you can avoid online, and both parties can get to know each other for who they are. Without hassle.

Also, if you work away, for business, or in the forces etc. It's a great way to talk to people and to keep social. I've found a lot of the people I've met are in the armed forces, or are away a lot on business, who are just looking for someone to talk to and get to know. It means a lot to them to be able to do this while they're away.
Keeps people a little less lonely.

I know in a couple of my blogs I've spoken negatively about the behaviour that occurs on these sites, and I will continue to point things out, not to be negative towards the sites, but towards the behaviours, as a lot of what I see on these sites, actually relate to relationships offline too.
I recently received a comment which accused me of being negative about these sites, which isn't the case. As everywhere else in the world, you do come across some negative people. I do think Dating Websites are a great thing, when used appropriately. (Just wanted to point that out, and make myself clear)

They are a place where people who want the same thing, can come together and chat, build friendships etc. In a sense it's like their private place, although it is online, people who don't want the same thing (EG, People who don't want to find a friendship/relationship online) don't go to those website and are therefore uninvolved.
It doesn't bother or is in the face of people who are against them, it's all very in their own little place.

What do you think about Dating websites? Comment below
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Thanks for reading guys!

Patience my dear.

As many of you know, I've signed up to a couple of dating/etc websites, and during the last couple of months, I've been picking out things either in the conversations or in the behaviour of the people I've been talking to.
One of the things that aggravates me is the lack of patience some people have when it comes to people replying to them...

How long should we wait if someone hasn't replied to us? And how should we react if someone doesn't reply to us? If we should react at all?
Especially when we're talking to people online, it's perfectly possible that person has left their laptop or whatever for a few minutes to go and do something.
I find this type of thing especially rude when you're on sites where you inbox people rather than talk on instant chat, because you can't always tell if someone is still online or not.
So what reasoning do people have to be rude towards someone in this situation?

I have received a number of rude messages off people when I've not replied in a quick amount of time, EG;

'WHY THE F**K YOU EVEN ON THIS SITE IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO REPLY TO PEOPLE'

'OMG well if you're just going to stop talking then at least tell me why!!!!!!!'

You have to admit it does make you look like a bit of a tool tbh! Should we really behave this way to people we don't know? Or to anyone in fact?

Another thing that can be shown through the impatience of people is desperation..
EG;
'Oh im sorry, have i said something to offend you? im sorry' (35mins ago)
'Are you still there? Im sorry, i really want to talk to you' (31mins ago)
'Ok, i'll assume you dont want to talk to me, :( :( :( plz '(26mins ago)

^^ Not the worst example I could show, but you get the idea.
One thing you need to remember when you're talking to people either online or over text etc, you don't always get an instant reply like you do when talking to someone face to face, so if someone doesn't reply straight away, chill out. If people are going to reply to you, then they will. If they don't want to, don't humiliate yourself by hassling people and making yourself seem possessive/angry or desperate

And most importantly, don't ruin your chances of meeting someone lovely by doing this! It's a big mistake people make.
These are your first impressions you're making towards people, you need to make sure it's a good one!

Comment below with your opinions/stories
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Settling

Most of us make the wrong decisions in choosing partners, without even knowing it. We all take risks, and they don't always work out. I'm going to be covering the different relationships choices we make, when it comes to choosing partners in the next few posts...

Have you ever felt you've settled for second best, or the 'safe option'? When you couldn't have the person you loved, or if you've been messed around by someone else, you found a person who would offer you everything the other person wouldn't?

A few of us have done this, believing that we do like that person, and to be honest we do like them. But what do we like... the person? Or what they're offering us?

Is it love and a relationship we're craving? Something safe we can rely on? Everyone wants different things, and it's not always the person we want to offering them. And we do become confused.

Sometimes this works out, and sometimes it doesn't. We can learn to love that person like we loved others in time, or we just get frustrated in our relationships and hurt the other person, either by leaving, or another way.

The only advice I could give to anyone going through this is, give yourself time to work out what you really want. If you know you don't lust for this person as much as you did for someone else, a crush or an ex, then maybe you need to give yourself some space to figure out if this is what you're going through and what you want in the long run.

No one deserves to settle.

Do you want this person? Or do you want what they're offering you? It's something we all need to realise and work out for ourselves. Unfortunately many of us decide this when it's too late. We all need to realise the signs from the beginning, and the only and obvious one, is how much we lust over them.

Only then can you work out whether you feel it's possible that a real relationship can grow from this.

Are you confused in your relationship? Or have an opinion on this? Or have something to say about anything in particular? Either comment below, comment on facebook or twitter (Links above)
Tweet at @Rebbie_shane
Or email me at Shaneyxcakes@gmail.com

Hope this helps guys!

Affection on social networking sites...

Is something a lot of people slag off these days, people get sick of seeing the same people talking about the same girlfriend/boyfriend declaring their love for them etc.
I will admit I get annoyed by it too. I have a few friends that if I look on their facebook pages, it's all about their partners, and I see where people are coming from.

But to the people doing it, what do they think they're doing? They believe they're doing a really nice thing telling the world and being open about their feelings about their partner, and there's nothing wrong with that, but where's the line from being nice to just annoying?

This is something that everyone feels differently about. What annoys most people is when it's in their face all the time.. Take twitter for example. It's not discreet. So when a couple who you're following are spamming up your twitter feed with tweets to each other all affectionate and that. It starts to get on your nerves just a little bit, having to scroll down however far to read something a little more worth while and different.

Facebook is a lot more discreet, a wall post shows in your feed, but the comments (up until recently) were never in a live feed, showing individually as they were being posted.
However if the couple are posting everything on each others walls, the same problem arises. Your news feed is filled by the individual posts each person makes on the others wall

People tend to tire and to be frank, want to read something else!

I know it's something that a lot of people have been talking about, so here's your chance to let me know what you think. Is it just an annoying show off of their relationship? Or do you disagree?
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Virginity...

A couple of my friends have asked me to write about Virgins in the modern age, and what I thought about it.

I personally don't have any views on it, it's just a case of someone has either had sex or hasn't. But I will be honest. Since moving away from my old town, I was shocked to meet so many people at University who were still virgins. So I got to wondering, is my home town just that corrupt? Or is it to do with the public view on teenagers and sex.

One of the biggest fears for parents is having their child walk in the house one day and telling them they're pregnant/or got someone pregnant. So parents make sure they drill into their kids heads that they know about safe sex and to only do it when they're ready (and more often or not, when they're old enough!) I remember the talk my mum gave me...

Mum: Do you know the most 100% way of not getting pregnant is?
Me: Yes mother......
Mum: Well... what is it?

Me: Don't have sex..
Mum: YES!... Do not have sex!

Is there really any pressure out there to have sex? Or do we just bring it on ourselves? Most of the pressure I do find is from the guys, to themselves or sometimes on to girls. Not all guys mind you, but you do get the select few who always try and worm their way into bed with a girl, and us girls can sometimes be deluded into thinking he'll respect me if I do, or he'll stay with me... Really isn't the case as we figure out as we get a little older, and we end up regretting what we've done and feeling silly.
(As always there's those few exceptions where it does happen to be the other way round, and it's the guys who end up regretting things, and us girls acting like dicks...)

My two friends who asked me to write about this, are both guys, and friends who I love dearly. I'll say to them what I say to anyone, don't have sex unless your ready... simple enough. The same boring stuff that comes out of nearly everyone's mouths...

There is a little banter thrown in direction of people who are still virgins, i used to tease my cousin a little, saying he was cute, but i just liked to wind him up generally :p. Sometimes banter can be unintentionally pressuring people into doing something, just because they don't like the teasing and they want it to stop. You just have to remember that we don't want to pressure you into doing anything, if you feel upset by jokes within your groups of friends, just ask them to stop, explain how you feel, and true friends will respect that.

Two people that I met at uni were virgins when I first met them, one of them was a particular interesting to watch as her views changed throughout the first year of uni.
When I first met her, she seem proud of herself for saving herself for so long, wanting to wait till someone special came along, and good on her! But after a while, she started to think 'I just want it over and done with'
Typical that a couple of months later she meets a good guy, and wishes she'd waited till him.

I know a few people who don't let themselves feel the pressure, and are happy as anything not having sex. I do wish it was the same for younger teenagers who are feeling the pressure. There really is no need to. If you're not ready then don't do it.
Remember this...

-If you feel having sex will improve/strengthen/or create a relationship with someone, then it's not worth doing it. Because more often than not, it won't change a thing.

- No one particulary cares about whether you've had sex or not, and whoever does. Just ask, why should they? It really isn't anything to do with them.

But I want to know what you think, if you are a virgin, do you ever feel pressured?
Or how do you see people who haven't had sex? Do you respect the fact they haven't?

Or do you think sex isn't anything of a big deal any more and 'virginity' is something that doesn't really matter anymore?

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Are our relationships always worth it?

One thing that I see with many couples and relationships is that they spend all their time arguing and being annoyed at each other, and it just makes me think, why are you guys even together?

I know a few people have commented on this, and feel the same way as me, and asked advice on this, the only thing I can say is to just ask yourselves...

Are you happy? Seems like a stupid obvious question. But really think about it, does arguing make you happy? honestly? Too many people turn around and say 'But he/she makes me happy' or that when it's good it's amazing. But are the bad times really worth the good times?

We all get stressed out with our relationships at some point, but a lot of couples bicker and argue almost every day if not every day. Yet still won't leave each other. Everyone deserves so much better than that. If you're getting upset with each other that often then the truth is, you're just not right for each other.
Would you stick around through all that arguing if it was with a friend? Doubtful.

Everyone goes through rough patches, where arguing seems to be constant, this is usually because the trust in the relationship has been broken by one of the partners, You do sometimes get through it, but that's what breaks are for right? To escape that.
Keeping a relationship together so tightly through rough patches like those, only puts more pressure and strain into a relationship.

People are terrified of going on 'breaks' because they feel it is the end of the relationship, and people do use the term 'break' to break up, so it's understandable. But they are good for giving the relationship what it needs to get back on track. It's not rocket science to know that taking the pressure away from a relationship will do it good. Space always helps the relationship calm down, and gives people the chance to get over what is hurting them.

Just a thought :)

Are our friends too clingy?

One thing I've had a few emails about recently is how friendships are affected when relationships with other people come into the picture.
I've had a few emails off people asking for advice and what to do when they feel their friendships are slowly changing as their friends or even themselves have become involved in a relationship.
These kinds of situations happen to everyone at least once, and more often than not the situations can get a little messy.

'Hi Rebbie,
Me and my friend have been best friends all the way through school, but recently, she's started seeing this guy. We all like him, and he's great fun to be around. But we never see her any more. Everyone in our group of friends try to invite her out when we do stuff and hang out, but she never comes out, and spends all of her time with him. This has been going on for a few weeks now, and one of our friends tried talking to her, and asked if we were all still friends to her, and why she hadn't seen us any more, and she just got really angry. Her boyfriend isn't helping either, we all got along with him great, but now he thinks we're all jealous of them cuz none of us are in relationships and we're just being clingy. I don't know what we can do, because everytime we try to talk to her about it, she just gets angry.'

Unfortunately these kinds of things do happen to everyone, I was just sat with my friend not so long ago today, and she was explaining to me how her and her friends haven't seen one of their friends since she got with her girlfiriend, it's an all too common situation and unfortunately it messes with friendships that are years old.
The best thing I feel you can do now, is not to pressure them into seeing you. I've made that mistake before, it's natural for us to want to fight for our friendships, but as you've said your friend isn't having any of it. If the  reaction to you and your friends wanting to spend time with this girl, and wondering why she isn't seeing you anymore, then there really is no point in pushing her any further. It will only result in more arguments and your friendships being destroyed completely by the arguments.
As for the boyfriend saying that you guys are all jealous, regardless of whether you guys are or not, it isn't the approach he should be taking towards the situation. It's only going to cause more bitterness between you and your friend, because your friend will then believe you can't be happier for her, which from what you said really isn't the case. Her boyfriend should understand that you've had a relationship with your friend all the way through school, and therefore it's an important relationship in his girlfriends life. Surely he'd want his girlfriend to have her friends around her? Even if he didn't personally like you guys, his girlfriend clearly liked you guys enough to spend however many years close with you guys and at the end of the day, that is what matters.
I'd always try and convince my boyfriend to not argue with his friends, friends are one of the most important things in life, what is life without friends? It seems very inconsiderate to influence and push someone's friendships into breaking even more...
Either way, by the sounds of it, there isn't really anything you can do to improve the situation. Your friend doesn't seem too interested for the moment to keep things the way they were, and is really defensive when you do try. My advice would be to prevent any more arguments is to, not bring up the situation and ask about it because it's clearly leading to negative reactions.

Take it as a friendship drifting away, which I know isn't the outcome that you want, but from what you've told me and my experiences with me and my friends that have gone through this, is that unless things change drastically or that they break up, I don't feel you'll be spending time with your friend like you used to. Unfortunately some people lose sight in the importance of friends when they're in a relationship. I've known many people to go down that path, and there'll always be people who do.
They don't always realise what they're doing, and it's a massive shame to let a friendship go. But what you and your friends need to decide now, and where you'll stand with this friend of yours, if anything happened and your friend came running back to you guys, would you be there for her as a friend? Or would you take the 'we're not going to be around only when it suits you approach?' Do you really want to be friends with someone who would ditch you when a new partner comes into the picture? But do you really want to let go of this friend?

What I thought was interesting, was that the boyfriend said you guys were 'too clingy' and it got me wondering, are us friends too clingy when our friends take on other priorities in their lives? Are we expecting too much to want to keep the same friendships when new relationships come into the picture. Trying to see it from the other perspective, where should the line be drawn between, seeing friends, seeing partners, work/school, family etc.

What is more important to you? Friends, Family, Relationships, work, or trying to keep the balance between  them all. Personally I like the balance I have now, I spend a lot of time with friends, my brother, and when I can, my boyfriend, and still have time to get on with work, write this blog, and have time for myself.
But not everyone is the same as me, people prioritise things differently, and this is what I want to hear from you guys.
What do you prioritise? And do you feel friends can be clingy when it comes to keeping hold of friendships? If so, where's the line for you? Everyone's different and it's all a matter of opinion, I'm just curious too see what you guys think...

So either comment below, Follow me on twitter or facebook (Links above) or email me at Shaneyxcakes@gmail.com

Cutting off ties....

Should we allow the people that hurt us to stick around in our lives or should we cut off all ties, and if so, when is the best time to do so?

This is a situation that's a lot easier said than done... If someone has hurt us, we can still want them in our lives, and still want to be around them. But we don't always see if that's good for us.
No one should place themselves in a situation that will hurt them. If it upsets you to be around them, or to talk to someone from a past relationship that has hurt you. Then don't have them around and don't talk to them.
The reason why people get upset when they're with their ex's is because they miss the better times with them, and having them so close. A little bit of pointing out the obvious there, but we try to keep them around, and in our lives because we try to latch on to what we had with them, and we get upset because we know it's not the same. That part of our life is over, and we have to deal with that change. Sometimes it's not always easy to accept.
If it isn't that easy to accept, then the best way to accept it, is to cut off those ties, don't emotionally torture yourself with it. (Sounds a little dramatic, but it is what you are doing to yourself.) People ask when is the best way to cut off ties with an ex, the answer? The second it starts to hurt you. Yeah, people can stay friends after a relationship and many people still hang out and stuff, but if you weren't ready to give up that relationship, then it's only going to hurt you, and that hurt isn't necessary, and I don't believe it's a good idea for anyone to put themselves in that situation.

You can come back to it later, when you're emotionally ready to have them in your life again.

Something that seems even more crazy is when we have moved on, that person from the past can still come back into ours lives, and we remember how it was, and begin to miss it again. It happens to a lot of people and we end up comparing it to what we have now. Sometimes even believing we were happier with what we had rather than what we have. And I think it's a little bit of 'we want what we can't have' sort of thing, and especially if we see someone else with what we want, we get jealous, and want it just a little bit more...

Some people even break off relationships to go back to what they had, and mostly they do regret it, and to everyone outside of the situation, it seems like a crazy thing to do. Is it?
Especially if we're the ones who got hurt in the past relationship, it's a lot easier to fall back into the trap we were in then. Because we didn't willingly take away what made us happy, so we crave it a little bit more because we weren't finished with it. It was something that we wanted and it got taken away from us.

It's natural for when that happens for us to want it back, and what people don't always see is the mistake of throwing away what they have now, because we're comfortable and happy, and what we had that made us happy before is a temptation to what we think would make us happier.
People believe that a person has changed, and they won't hurt them again... etc. We have a lot of excuses to justify what we're doing/thinking/feeling. But in reality it's usually a false happiness, things don't change, things didn't work out for a reason, and we forget that. We also don't realise or underestimate how much we'd be losing by throwing away what we have then, one, because we're comfortable and sitting tight and happy. And two, because usually, we've never been in a situation where we could of lost what we have before.
People don't realise the damage they do by throwing away relationships, because of the temptation, the illusion of things being better the second/third/forth etc time around and because we don't always appreciate what we do have in our lives.
To other people it seems crazy, but they don't know what we're thinking or feeling, we might see more of a picture of the situation, but outsiders can actually see the clearer picture. We do tend to lose our way, and follow our senses and emotions, but they can be very misleading.

Do we need to follow our head or our heart? Our head needs to pull the reigns on our hearts every now and again, but not so much so we aren't going anywhere. We need to follow what makes us happy, but also what is good for us.
And what seems to make us happy, isn't always what's good..

Forgiving them...

At some point, the majority of us do end up getting hurt in a relationship, and sometimes we find it hard to forgive and let go, we stick around the people that hurt us, and to be honest we don't always really know why.
We believe we still want them in our lives, but deep down do we? And is it really a good idea?

Relationships can be hard to get over, and sometimes when we are happy and when we've feel we've moved on, every now and again that ghost of the past can creep in and we can begin to doubt ourselves again. It's perfectly normal...

When someone hurts us in a relationship, it can hurt for some time. One thing people do get confused about is the difference between forgiving someone, and them just being hurt by the events that have happened.
The two things very often go hand in hand, but they also can be very separate. It's very rare that someone can be over something that someone else has done to them, yet still can't forgive them. The two main situations people find themselves in are either;
-Being hurt by someone, and not being able to forgive, or
-Being able to forgive, yet the situation still hurts them.

The main give away to how you feel is how you act with the person that has hurt you. If you find yourself picking out little things about them, and looking at them negatively, or you find yourself bitching about them for no reason etc, in a nutshell, acting bitter, angry and petty about them, then you haven't forgiven them. No matter how much you'd like to.

However, if you can find yourself to be able to hang around with them, and not feel so bitter towards them. Even if the thought of what happened still hurts you. If you can continue a civil relationship with them, then you have usually forgiven them.
But you can only forgive someone when you're ready to, it's not something you can rush.

For example;
Me and my most recent ex, had a really weird relationship, it was really on and off. The reason was just because he couldn't commit to me for whatever reason... But he's a good guy, and always wanted to, always tried to commit.. But something was just stopping him.
At first I found it really hard to hold a conversation with him without being either angry or upset. Even if the conversation had nothing to do with anything that happened. I just couldn't be around him.
But then as time passed a little, I found myself to be able to hang around with him, and we are still really close friends. But I can't talk to him about relationships that he has, or anything similar, because what happened still hurts me, yet I can forgive him because I understand why what happened happened, and I don't feel angry or bitter towards him for what happened, but it still hurts to know that he couldn't commit and possibly could to someone else...

The best time to forgive someone, is when you're ready to be civil to them. It won't work any other time.

The one that got away...

Do you believe in there being the one person who you 'should of been with?'

The one person who was perfect for you but for some reason you could never make it?

It, at some point happens to anyone, the main meaning to the phrase is about the one other 'True love' in your life that you will never truly forget. As happy as you are in your current relationship. Whenever you see that person, you still get those butterflies and always remember...

But we all experience a little part of that with a few people in our lives, when a relationship has recently ended, we often still feel things for that person...

Sometimes when we come into a new relationship, we start to miss the old one...

Are we looking for something better?

Or are we just exploring what we're looking for?

Everyone's different, everyone does it for different reasons, and it can screw a lot of things up, people can screw a perfectly good relationship by acting on these feelings, and some people can get hurt all over again. It's something that never is what it seems, we believe that we miss that person, and my personal opinion is that, it isn't the case.

Some people don't like change, Some people don't like it so much, they try not to let go, they don't want to know any different because they loved what they had so much. People forget that relationships break because they weren't right, and as much as you may have loved it, you can't hold onto something that wasn't going to work...

In some cases though, it is just a case of it wasn't the right time for that relationship. But again, you can't wait around for it to fix itself, if it's going to fix, it will do it itself. Don't assume that relationship will come back together either. Go out and enjoy yourself, don't keep trying to hold and let it get you down.

Too many people make that mistake.

Have you ever had someone that you couldn't forget?

And did you realise why you couldn't forget them?

Personally, I like to believe these people are a lesson and an experience to learn from, because when we've learnt them, we find it so easy to move on with our lives and start to forget them properly.

But being so young, I wouldn't know if there is just a person who you go your whole life always having that thing for? That is literally just someone who you couldn't forget...

As always, I'd love your opinions on this, so Comment below,
And don't forget to like the facebook page (if you haven't already) and follow me on twitter (both links posted above) and share your opinions on today's or any of the topics I've done.

Teenage Parents

Becoming a parent at a young age is quite common in today's society. A couple of weeks ago I touched on this in a post, arguing the negative of growing up too fast, and the risk of wasting young life. But I wanted to touch on this at a more positive side.. Is the stigma too negative towards young parents?

A lot of ethical theories have their opinion on pregnancy, abortion and contraception and I do believe that this is really important when applying young parents in your own ethical opinions. For example;

 Natural Law:

The most used ethical theory in  the bracket of Christian Ethics (as the majority of Christians are Roman Catholics). They have a very firm belief that the natural way is the morally right way of going about things, anything that is unnatural is wrong.
Contraception prevents and interrupts the natural course of reproduction, and as a animal species, our ultimate natural goal in life, is to carry the human race on to the next generation for us to survive. The same views are applied to Abortion.
Pregnancy and reproduction a very natural thing so it is encouraged to go through with your pregnancy if you ever do conceive. 

Utilitarianism:

Takes on a more understanding and emotional approach, they follow the rule 'The greatest happiness for the greatest number.' Which takes into account everyone in the situation and judges each situation differently to figure out their idea of the best outcome. Opposite to Natural Law, Utilitarianism considers the feelings of the people involved, rather than laying down strict rules.

There are many theories, and each one has their strengths and weaknesses, but if you take them into account, their views and their reasoning, do you begin to look at it in a different perspective? An example...

A couple aged between the ages of 16-20 (the most common ages for young people to become parents). Finished school, and at least one to the parents have a stable job, and are able to provide for the child.
Think about it for two minutes, and come up with the positive and negative points for that situation (in your opinion)

Do the same for this situation...
A couple aged 25+, Living off benefits, not looking for work, barely scraping by in a crappy little house provided by the council, picking up a lot of bad habits (excessive drinking, drugs, violence etc)

There are many young parents who do have their heads screwed on, and many older parents who don't. But also many are the opposite.

My own personal opinion is that ideally people should wait until they've gotten through all the education they want, settled in a happy job, and at an age where they've had their chance to be free and live their young lives etc. But I don't judge anyone who doesn't believe or follow the same views as me. I know a lot of young parents who have a steady job and are happy, and able to provide for their child/children. I think it's a much better situation than the second example. Unfortunately there are families like that, and compared to a couple of 17 year olds, who are very mature and have their heads and lives screwed together, is it always such a bad thing?

There are also a lot of young parents, who are unemployed and are on benefits, and seeking help from the government, and that also has a very negative stigma attached, and while I personally believe for myself that I shouldn't put myself in that situation. There are other things to consider.
Not everyone believes in abortion, and who are we to argue with someone else's conscience? If they found themselves pregnant, and that's what they believed, what can we really say against that?

I can't write every argument for someone wanting to keep their child when society says 'They aren't ready.' But I believe we are too quick to judge people at times, before judging look at their lives, are they doing the right thing in their situation? Are they focusing on what is the most important, their child? If they are, then what do you really have to complain about?

Of course there are the few examples of why teenage pregnancy/young mothers is frowned upon. Girls getting pregnant at ages like 13, or parents that resemble a situation in the second example. People who take advantage of the benefits available, and use them in the wrong way. It is a problem, and I'm not ignoring that. But my argument is about how people are too quick to judge even the good parents, because of their age or situation. Benefits are there to help us when things aren't so easy. There are young parents, living on benefits but actively trying to go out and better their living situation by finding a job, and providing for their children, so they don't have to rely on the benefits etc. But this all seems to be ignored, whenever I hear anything about this topic, it's always the negatives that I hear, and I very rarely hear how well people are doing or even just trying to do right, it would be nice to hear something positive for a change when this subject is brought up.
I know a lot of people who are young parents, and are doing really well for themselves, I do believe people like that should be recognised a little more :).

Anyway, let me know what you guys think, as usual, my email is Shaneyxcakes@gmail.com
My twitter and Facebook like page is linked above.
Also for you guys who have just left school, or looking to higher education or employment, Check out my friends Kim and James blog (life after school) Linked above. As you will remember Kim did a guest post with me on my blog about long distance relationships!

I'm also helping out with my friends band (Painting Stupid), it's my new little project, I'm about to put their facebook link above too, they're currently recording at the moment, but feel free to check it out!

If i snap my fingers... (take two :D)

So a little over a week ago I posted about how guys talk to women, and if you remember I spoke about a website I joined and the response I got from it. I promised you all that I'd try it the other way around and see the response I got from the ladies.

Well. I signed up as a lovely 23 year old called Ben, and my profile picture, like many other guys on that site, was a nice little picture of a penis. But the first thing I noticed after joining up with this website was that to be able to actually do anything like read messages etc, I had to pay to join.

So why was it free to join this website for women and not for men? I assume it's because there are more men that are inclined to join such sites, so to try and get more women to it, they offer the use of the site to them for free. But anyway moving on...

The response 'Ben' got from the women who were interested in him, was to be expected, it was a lot less forward, more subtle, and more pleasant than the messages 'Shaney' got such as 'I have a big thick cock, want it inside you?' and worse...
Ofcourse there were the few women who did respond with messages equivalent to the above, which actually got me wondering,

Guys, a question for you... How would you react to a message saying 'Hey, big boy. Want to play with my tight little pussy?'

I've asked a few guys opinion on this, and I got a mixed response, for the most part my friends didn't think too kindly of it, where as a couple said, 'Well if she's that up for it, and she was hot, then that's fine with me' But I thought it would be interesting to hear everyones general opinion on it :).

I never understood why people spoke like that to the opposite sex, personally I don't find it appealing at all, and judging by other peoples reactions, most people don't either, but there are the select few who do.
Each to their own, it's all a matter of opinion. But should we really be talking to each other like that?
It objectifies us to the other person, as nothing more than a sex toy. In a world where respect is lacking more and more, why should we degrade other people in this way?

If two people are happy talking to each other like that then fair play to them, but personally I feel like I a lot more respect for myself and other people than to talk like that with people. My personal opinion is that I find it disrespectful, but what I really want to know is, what do you think? :)

Let me know, by commenting below, or getting touch via Facebook, or twiiter (linked above) or email me at Shaneyxcakes@gmail.com

Do you really know who you are?

I received a message from a friend in the early hours of this morning, giving me an idea for today's blog. Do we really know who we are? He explained that he felt he was having a bit of an 'Identity Crisis' all his life he'd been into his music and stuff, but recently he's not felt too into it...

'Lately, I have just been thinking about whether or not people act like they do to try and fit in, or because they actually are that kind of person. 

Sorry to rant but, I consider myself a music person, and lately I have been listening to some of my favourite music, Rock/Indie, and I just couldnt get into it. It just made me wonder if I am not a music person, who am I?.'

People are changing all the time, especially in our younger years, we're exploring life and experiencing new things, if you saw my Itunes list, which has everything I've listened to since I was 13, it's weird how different the songs are to each other.

But sometimes, we do just need to take a break from everything, things can get too much without us even realising, we go off and dabble into different things all the time, and it'll either just lead you to something you love even more, or bring you back to what you did love the most.

But when do we always really know ourselves? And can you really only just be one type of person? I've been doing drama since I was 10, and I'm studying it at university, I sing, and I love it probably more than I love acting, but I don't tend to do anything with it anymore, except practice in my room (Apologies to Sophii, Ben, and Lauren. Who live in the surrounding rooms!) And I do this blog, which I'm stupidly passionate about too, and I really would love to talk about these kind of things for a living too.

'Just abit of a blow when you realise you are not sure where you are, there are people that you can say for sure are say, Rap people, or Heavy Metal people, but if you dont even know yourself...'

Some people just know from an early age what their life was for them, music, drama, sciences, public services etc, and some people don't know until they're older. My mum only went to university the year before I did to do her nursing degree.

As for me personally, I'm still dipping round the pools of what I could make out of myself. So don't worry if you don't know 'who you are,' your life is there to explore and find out.

Explore different things and see how you feel towards them, a lot of people spend 20 of their younger years focused on one thing, then suddenly change their minds and do something completely different! It's not a bad thing to not know, it's an opportunity, at any age to explore yourself and the world that you're in.

So don't worry :D

What do you guys think? Either comment below, or get in touch with facebook/twitter (links above) Or email me at shaneyxcakes@gmail.com :)

Pressure...

Everyone gets the feeling of being under pressure right? We've all done things because we've felt pressured to do it by ours friends and what not.
So what to do when we are feeling pressured?

We get pressured into doing all kinds of silly things, you have the obvious, don't have sex until you're ready and don't get yourself into doing drugs just because you're friends are doing it, but you all know that stuff.

But what about with the less serious things? Is it always that easy to notice to when we're being put under pressure with the smaller things?

Pressure in everyday life

We put people under pressure every day without even realising it, and it started when we were really quite young, who remembers the days of when 'Awww, i'll be your best friend' was the biggest bribe anyone could offer to you?

We ask the littlest of things of people, and when they aren't wanting to do it, we do the whole 'pleeeeease' and 'go on', what we don't always realise is that we're adding pressure to our requests, sometimes we do, and sometimes it is just a habit we have. We put pressure onto everything, if we haven't seen a friend in a while, just by asking 'we haven't seen you in ages.' There's a little something inside that tells us we should probably go see that person at some point, even if it goes away almost instantly, or we don't actually want to see that person. We react to everything that gets said to us and we are influenced all the time.

We can never avoid being pressured into things, just like we can never fully not pressure people when asking something or saying something to them. It's a weird circle that comes with human nature.

I have a friend who always wants everything done her way, and her very forward personality always puts me under pressure. She involves herself in anything she wants, which don't get me wrong, i do love her, but sometimes she is a little forward and it does make me feel a little pressured to go along with her, even when i really don't want to.

But you should never put yourself in a petty situation that puts you under pressure, you need to know when there is 'unnecessary pressure' and pressure that you just have to face, and petty little everyday situations like the ones I’ve briefly mentioned, you should avoid, and just stand up and say, 'No i don't want to.' But there are situations we can never avoid, such as deadlines etc, and situations where we shouldn't avoid, even if it does put us under pressure, for example when you've put yourself in the wrong and need to sort things out with people. This is what you have to work out.

Pressure in conflicts

Too many people avoid a pressured situation after a conflict, and has anyone ever noticed it always been when they are in the wrong, or have no point to stand on?
In those situations when we are in the right, we don't run away from the conflict, we're always strong standing and ready to take whatever's coming because we know that we're going to come back at whatever gets thrown at us.

It takes a lot of courage to stand up to people who you've been in the wrong to, and apologising, admitting that you're wrong. Whereas most people lose their temper, or storm off, or even try to blame the people on the other side, but the most common ones are the lines 'You have no idea how I’m feeling,' or, 'You don't know what's going on in my life' to try and justify their side of things.

These situations will never go away, no matter how hard you try and avoid them, if you don't face up to it, and ignore it, you won't fix it.

It's all because of pressure, whether it's to do something we don't want to do, or a conflict etc. Pressure is everywhere. You just need to realise what situations are the ones you actually need fight head on, and which ones you should take yourself out of because they are unnecessary.
Too many people claim pressured situations as things that we need to remove ourselves out of, when in reality they're just being cowards.

I want to hear, as usual what you guys think, so leave a comment below, or get in touch on facebook/twitter (links above). Or alternately email me at Shaneyxcakes@gmail.com