Do we need to have it all to be happy?

What does it take to make a person happy? Are we ever truly happy? One thing I have learnt over the past couple of years is that, there isn't one sole thing that can make any of us happy.

Money can't buy you happiness
A career doesn't give you emotional support
And love doesn't make you feel like you've accomplished anything.

If one of those three things are missing, we become unhappy. We either; Feel alone without love, Feel like we're wasting our lives or we're stressed and angry because we can't pay the bills. To be truly happy do we need to have it all?

A year ago I made the decision to end a relationship because drama connected to home and people around my partner were affecting my grades at university. (If my mum's reading this, she'll be well proud I picked uni over a boy!) But I often think about him, as well as an old friend who made the opposite decision a few months earlier than I made mine. And I wonder how her life is, and how happy she is. I really hope she is happy. But with every big decision you make, you always wonder, what if?

I now have my degree, but I'm living in a city where I have barely any friends, and I'm very much alone here. And as a lot of my friends back home know, I'm finding it rather difficult. So I often wonder if I had been happier making a different decision? My degree will never compensate from having the love of my friends and family around me, but I know if I had made a different decision, I would always regret not finishing my degree, and it would have been the biggest mistake I made.

So, do we really need to have everything to be happy? And sometimes, no matter what we do, can we just not win? Surely not everyone can have it all...

How do you know if it's just sex?

When we start a sexual relationship with someone, one of the quickest misunderstandings we come to is the other person's intentions towards you. You learn pretty quickly in life, that a lot of the people, quite a lot of the time are just looking for something casual. I  get emailed a lot by people explaining their situations and asking whether it sounds like they're just after sex/something casual or a relationship.... so here are a few points to consider, which I believe are the most obvious ways of knowing that you're in a casual/just sex based relationship.

1) You never leave the bedroom: One of the obvious ones. If you guys are always in the bedroom... and I don't mean you go screwing outside, that really doesn't count. If your relationship is just in bed, no drinks, no movies, no nights out. You're 'relationship' isn't going anywhere...

2) You don't talk about future plans: A little similar to number one, but if you don't even make plans to go out and do anything else, then this person isn't interesting in anything emotional. If you say 'we should go see a film this week' and the next time you meet up... it's in your bedroom or his. You're stuck in a non-relationship.

3) They aren't telling their friends: If no one really knows apart from your friends that you're screwing this person... yeah, they aren't that bothered.

4) They act different towards you in public: I don't mean that they're not overly affectionate, because some people just aren't like that in public. But if they don't hold your hand, or only hold your hand down the quieter streets. Also if they change the way they speak to you, if they aren't so familiar with you in their conversation or tone, they're trying not to arouse any suspicion. 

5) Their text frequency: Everyone knows when you're into someone, you text them more than you would anyone else. If they only reply to say... half your conversation starters or you only have short conversations. They aren't that bothered. If you find yourself finding a reason to text them, in order for them to text you back a lot of the time... then you've been suckered.

There are so many more reasons as to how you can figure out if the person you're dating is in fact dating or not dating you too. But these in my opinion are the biggest and most obvious. If you have any questions, or anything, as always feel free to contact me either by:

Emailing me at: RebbieShaneOfficial@gmail.com
Liking us on Facebook: Rebbie-Shane
Following us on Twitter: @Rebbie_Shane

Make peace, and watch the world go round.

Everyone's lives are always moving in one direction or another, but there comes a time, or maybe a few times where we just feel ourselves pause and the world suddenly looks very different.

This usually happens at a time of some kind of shock or trauma, at the death of a close one, or some horrible news like an illness, and we feel alone. Even though everyone is around us and there for us, we are the only person paused in that moment, and we watch everyone's lives carry on without us.

It makes you appreciate and realise a lot of things you would normally dismiss. I've hit the pause button quite a lot recently and I see that things aren't as pretty as I thought.

People come and go from your life all the time, some stay for a brief moment, others can be around for years. It's funny, some people can make such a huge impact on you during their brief moment, but we don't even notice some of the ones that have been around for years. Relationships change, new ones are made and one relationship can distance another, especially when it comes to romantic relationships and friendships. But during these times when we're paused in our own world. Things become clear, and things that we thought were clear turn out to be a lot more complicated than we thought.

In my world, I feel like a lone soldier stood on a hill, looking down at battlefield full of different wars. I see friends fighting in their relationships, and I see people totally focused on working on their careers to the point where anything outside that career is unimportant to them. It's then that I realised, I am only a small part of everyone else's life, if I died tomorrow, people would stop for that moment and remember me, but before long people's lives will start to run normally again, and I'd begin to be forgotten... Maybe never totally, but I wouldn't be a first thought. Not that I want everyone's attention, but at the end of the day, once someone has gone, that's one thing in your life you just can't change. You can't change a relationship with someone who's no longer there, so why do we waste our time fighting with people we love when we don't need to? Sure we all laugh about those fights afterwards, but what if we couldn't?

I have an ex-boyfriend where the relationship (like most people's) caused me a fair amount hurt at one.. or several points in the relationship. It wasn't easy, but after months of anger, hurt, upset... maybe even a little bit of crazy... I didn't get the point in fighting, and we're in a good place. He's not the biggest part of my life, but every time I visit my hometown, me and James hang out, eat pub food and laugh. I'm not saying everyone should be chummy with their ex or people that have wronged us, but if anything happened, I can honestly say I pretty much have no regrets and I'd remember him for all the good things, in fact I barely think about the bad....

If someone once touched your life in a positive way, that's how you should remember them. Don't remember them for their mistakes or their negativity. If anything just use it as a life lesson, and put comfort in the positive memories. None of us want to be remembered for our mistakes or bad deeds, so we should we look at someone else for theirs? Peace is a powerful thing, someone doesn't have to still be a part of your life to make an impact. An old friend of mine passed away around Christmas time, and even though both our lives had moved on from each others and we'd both gone to different uni's and I hadn't actually seen him for 2 years. I realised I didn't always appreciate him fully for what he was. He was the most genuine, caring person along with so many other wonderful traits.

You don't have to continue a relationship with someone, but it's amazing how much comfort you find in just making peace in a situation, even if you then never speak to them again. People forget how powerful that moment is when look at someone and just let go, you find a lot of honesty in those moments, and a lot of the time, there's a lot of love. Whether it's between friends, old lovers, relatives... you never really move on without closure. Next time you see someone you haven't seen in a really long time and you still get that negative feeling, ask yourself why and make peace with it. Because no one looks beautiful bitter.

Can you give love a second chance?

Do you believe in giving love a second chance? I often wonder if all that stuff about things not being in the right time are true or not.

Is it possible for love to be put on hold, and pick it back up a couple of years later?

Is it possible to meet someone earlier than you're meant to?

There are always so many questions around failed relationships, you always find yourself thinking, 'what if...'

The saying 'An ex is an ex for a reason' is always said with such negativity, but should that always be the case? Just because someone is an ex, doesn't mean you can't pick up and relationship and start again with them, and be happy. Surely there are loads of couples out there who have broken up, spent time apart, maybe even seen other people in-between and then gotten back together.

Not every relationship ends over bad events, sure there is hurt, anger etc from atleast one side during most breakups, but that doesn't mean there was anything shady going on. Sometimes relationships just aren't right or working for a certain reason.

But people are always afraid of getting hurt again. Just because someone got hurt once, doesn't necessarily mean they're going to get hurt again... does it? Surely if it hurt that much, it's obviously something that is worth all of it, otherwise, why would it hurt so much?

Every relationship is different, and no one can tell you what to do. No matter how much they try. I've known a lot of situations that have included very cautious and protective friends, and it doesn't help. If anything, if you get in the way of two people who want to be together, being together. You're only going to cause more hurt.

Sometimes asking 'what if' isn't enough.

And sometimes even a past relationship that's failed once before, is worth giving that second chance. The more it hurt, the more genuine your love was for them, no matter how long it takes you to realise.

Rebbie's dating site adventure...the first night.

Ok, so the curiosity got the better of me, and I signed up to a dating site... This post is pretty much going to be a running commentary of my thoughts while signing up... :)

The personality of OkCupid is amazing... The username Rebbie was taken... but look at their suggestions!

I almost went with 'Rebbie-o-matic' the sex machine, but... Ok, I totally regret with going for Rebbieinabox now. Rebbieasaurus would of been a good one, but I thought it was a little too scene kid...

But moving on to some of my details... I forget quite often I was born under the unfortunately named star sign... 

I decided to leave the second half of that question blank....

You have to be pretty kinky to answer with 'not possible' right? I couldn't imagine someone just sitting there like, yup, Noone can out-kink me! haha. You must have a filthy mind...

But to me, these questions are just getting better.....

'Depends on which race...' I can just imagine someone leant back in their computer chair, going through all the different types of race, checklisting in their head... I'm not sure if you guys are finding this as funny as I am...
So I thought it was time to check out some of the matches OkCupid found for me...
Putting my orientation as Bi-sexual, it came up with a couple of girls, and I found this little gem on a local girls profile...

She could of said ANYTHING else in the world, literally ANYTHING. is it just me, or is that the kind of thing people should be putting on their profiles... I suppose it is a dating site... you should get to know these things about a person...

Anyway, after 3 hours of trying to fix my profile etc. I'm tired... and seen as it's nearly 4am. I suppose I should get to sleep. But I want to hear your stories/experiences of dating websites, or even just share your opinion.

Join the discussion on Facebook, or Twitter or feel free to email me here :)
And we shall see in the morning, what lies in store for me online...

Still Breaking?

A lot of the advice I get asked for is how to deal with breakups and how to get over someone, everyone has their own way of getting over someone. How do I get over someone? I spend all my  time with my favourite people, and the people who make me laugh the most. To me, laughter is the best medicine for anything. When I'm alone, I watch comedy films and TV. It's unbelievable how much it does take your mind off things, or at least calm you down when you're feeling emotional.

The thing I hear the most when I'm talking to people who have just broken up is, that when they see each other the 'chemistry' is still there, and they go on about how happy they are with them, but 2 minutes earlier they were telling me how upset and angry their partner made them feel, and usually you just want to shake the person, and be like, can you hear yourself?! But everyone goes through the same thing at some point in their lives.

Sometimes break-ups/breaks do make you realise how much you do love that person, and how much you didn't appreciate them, or how you should of appreciated them more. Mostly, we just forget the reason why we broke up with them, and we start to see that person in this wonderful light, oh the curse of rose tinted glasses! That's one phrase that's been thrown at me many times by my friend Hannah recently!

We too easily forget why we've broken up with them, and how we felt, the initial break-up hurts more than the relationship did, so we think we're better off in it. I'm sorry to break it to you all, but you have to work for your happiness in this world. If you're not happy in that relationship, you have to fight through the pain, to achieve any gain! Is that pain in the relationship really worth going back to, when the relationship is good, it's great and it makes you feel amazing... but it doesn't mean for you to feel that you have to go through all the shit that makes you unhappy. Every relationship has shitty stages, but if you're often upset in your relationship, can you honestly say you're truly happy?

Some people have the complete opposite problem, some people, break up over something that they really shouldn't of done, and still want to be with each other, but are too stubborn to open up, because they're terrified of getting hurt. What's even more crazy is that they know both of them feel the same way. Just bloody go for it, swallow your fear, and do a special gesture. Otherwise... if you both keep shut, you won't ever get around to fixing anything.

Breakups are a weird time, they can be the most confusing times, or they can just clarify everything. Sometimes, it's an instant reaction, where some people don't feel it months down the line. Either way, usually,  you shouldn't listen to the first emotion you feel...

Love.

As a lot of people who know me personally know, I've been going through a really dark patch in my life. But with all dark patches that we go through, they are very big learning curves, with the mistakes that we make, and the regrets that we hold. Through this, one of the biggest questions that I've been thinking about is, What is love?

If you were to ask me now, what I thought love was, I would reply with 'the thing that drives you to support and be there for a person no matter what happens.'
Which I think can be applied to any kind of love, but I won't go into them all.

Falling in love is probably the most complicated thing we'll ever do. If you're lucky enough to have a completely smooth relationship then, congratulations. But most will have a patch or two where things are rough and things are hard, and it can physically tear you apart. But if you come out of these hard times, to be able to look at the person, and feel completely fallen for them once again, and happy when you see them. You know you have a genuine love right there. Taking on the world together is the challenge.

And one of the hardest things that we have to accept is that sometimes that person that we have fallen so completely in love with, has moved on and doesn't feel the same.
People say that love is blind, and it is, but only partially. We see all the positive things in a person, and we try not to focus on the negative points, even though we can see them, it doesn't change the way we feel about them. To us, they're still just as perfect.

You can go through a lot with a person, and that situation can cause you be angry/distraught/desperate and those emotions can drive you to do the wrong things, things that can hurt the people you love, ruin your relationship. Yet sometimes that person can look at you, and see not the angry person, but the happier person they're so familiar with, the person that made their lives so happy, the person they could tell anything to, and spend every second with. But what's more extraordinary is that, we can look at that person, and the things they've done, and even if they've done the worst things to hurt us, we can understand the reasons why, and forgive them.

I'm not good at letting people in, and sharing how I feel. We can block people out to the point that we push them away. None of us want to be in a vulnerable position, and falling in love is one of the most vulnerable things we can do. So sometimes we hurt them by being cold, cutting them out of certain things. I know I've ended relationships I've been so happy in because I didn't want to be hurt.

We find it so hard to explain how we feel, and sometimes we just don't want to. My friends ask me how I feel all the time, but what can you say when you don't even know yourself?

No matter what you go through, love will drive your desire to support them, and have them there. But it's never always as easy as that.
Sometimes we can be too proud to let a love back in, if you've been hurt before by a person, and sworn before everyone you'd never give them another chance, made such a riot over how bad him/her are, you can stop yourself from giving love that second chance, and who knows then, what you're missing out on.
The love that means the most to us, is always the love that needs the most work to make it a happy relationship. People say love shouldn't be hard work, but love can be the thing that causes us the most pain, so of course, to heal, you need to work. But at the end of it all, you can be truly happy. You just have to ask yourself, if you're both serious about it, is that feeling they give you, worth it?

You can't have any kind of relationship without trust, but you can build one from desire, if you both want it enough, you can make anything happen. Never limit the chances you give love.

What counts as cheating?

Everyone has a different view on what they see as cheating in a relationship. For example some people see kissing another person of the opposite sex cheating, and some don't. Others count emotional relationships and so on.
But is cheating really? The definition is 'An immoral way of achieving a goal.' so if you're unhappy emotionally, or the sex in the relationship has gone downhill/become non existent. Finding that with someone else is an immoral way of going about it, because you're breaking the trust.

Everyone has a different boundary of what counts as cheating in their book, so what's yours?

I personally feel it has a big thing to do with how secure you feel in your relationship, if you feel comfortable knowing that your partner does adore you like they should, then you feel a lot more at ease, a lot less paranoid, and if you did find him kissing a friend as a joke, you wouldn't be too miffed about it.
However if you are a little more insecure, a little bit more possessive, those kind of things can bother you a lot more. I've found that it's this factor of security which varies peoples opinions.

I myself have been in relationships where I've laughed while my boyfriends been kissing someone else, and I've been in relationships where the same situation has infuriated me!

Obviously if you go further than kissing it is a pretty much universal view that it is cheating, it's mainly kissing where peoples opinions vary.

Emotional Relationships
As many people know, you don't physically have to participate in anything sexual to be 'cheating' on your relationship. We get close to people that we begin to like more, and those people begin to fill a hole your life. If you're not completely happy, we have someone that we are attracted to and love on some level and they make us feel that happy again, and the same for them to you. But is that cheating?

I don't personally feel like it is cheating, but if you're thinking about how you'd rather be in a relationship with them rather than the person you are in a relationship with, something is seriously wrong, and you have to decide whether your relationship is worth trying to save, or that you need to leave. I do feel like it is a form of betrayal, and it will cause hurt even though there is no sex involved.

What are your opinions? Leave a comment below, follow on facebook or twitter (Links above)
Or email me at Shaneyxcakes@gmail.com