Make peace, and watch the world go round.

Everyone's lives are always moving in one direction or another, but there comes a time, or maybe a few times where we just feel ourselves pause and the world suddenly looks very different.

This usually happens at a time of some kind of shock or trauma, at the death of a close one, or some horrible news like an illness, and we feel alone. Even though everyone is around us and there for us, we are the only person paused in that moment, and we watch everyone's lives carry on without us.

It makes you appreciate and realise a lot of things you would normally dismiss. I've hit the pause button quite a lot recently and I see that things aren't as pretty as I thought.

People come and go from your life all the time, some stay for a brief moment, others can be around for years. It's funny, some people can make such a huge impact on you during their brief moment, but we don't even notice some of the ones that have been around for years. Relationships change, new ones are made and one relationship can distance another, especially when it comes to romantic relationships and friendships. But during these times when we're paused in our own world. Things become clear, and things that we thought were clear turn out to be a lot more complicated than we thought.

In my world, I feel like a lone soldier stood on a hill, looking down at battlefield full of different wars. I see friends fighting in their relationships, and I see people totally focused on working on their careers to the point where anything outside that career is unimportant to them. It's then that I realised, I am only a small part of everyone else's life, if I died tomorrow, people would stop for that moment and remember me, but before long people's lives will start to run normally again, and I'd begin to be forgotten... Maybe never totally, but I wouldn't be a first thought. Not that I want everyone's attention, but at the end of the day, once someone has gone, that's one thing in your life you just can't change. You can't change a relationship with someone who's no longer there, so why do we waste our time fighting with people we love when we don't need to? Sure we all laugh about those fights afterwards, but what if we couldn't?

I have an ex-boyfriend where the relationship (like most people's) caused me a fair amount hurt at one.. or several points in the relationship. It wasn't easy, but after months of anger, hurt, upset... maybe even a little bit of crazy... I didn't get the point in fighting, and we're in a good place. He's not the biggest part of my life, but every time I visit my hometown, me and James hang out, eat pub food and laugh. I'm not saying everyone should be chummy with their ex or people that have wronged us, but if anything happened, I can honestly say I pretty much have no regrets and I'd remember him for all the good things, in fact I barely think about the bad....

If someone once touched your life in a positive way, that's how you should remember them. Don't remember them for their mistakes or their negativity. If anything just use it as a life lesson, and put comfort in the positive memories. None of us want to be remembered for our mistakes or bad deeds, so we should we look at someone else for theirs? Peace is a powerful thing, someone doesn't have to still be a part of your life to make an impact. An old friend of mine passed away around Christmas time, and even though both our lives had moved on from each others and we'd both gone to different uni's and I hadn't actually seen him for 2 years. I realised I didn't always appreciate him fully for what he was. He was the most genuine, caring person along with so many other wonderful traits.

You don't have to continue a relationship with someone, but it's amazing how much comfort you find in just making peace in a situation, even if you then never speak to them again. People forget how powerful that moment is when look at someone and just let go, you find a lot of honesty in those moments, and a lot of the time, there's a lot of love. Whether it's between friends, old lovers, relatives... you never really move on without closure. Next time you see someone you haven't seen in a really long time and you still get that negative feeling, ask yourself why and make peace with it. Because no one looks beautiful bitter.

Still Breaking?

A lot of the advice I get asked for is how to deal with breakups and how to get over someone, everyone has their own way of getting over someone. How do I get over someone? I spend all my  time with my favourite people, and the people who make me laugh the most. To me, laughter is the best medicine for anything. When I'm alone, I watch comedy films and TV. It's unbelievable how much it does take your mind off things, or at least calm you down when you're feeling emotional.

The thing I hear the most when I'm talking to people who have just broken up is, that when they see each other the 'chemistry' is still there, and they go on about how happy they are with them, but 2 minutes earlier they were telling me how upset and angry their partner made them feel, and usually you just want to shake the person, and be like, can you hear yourself?! But everyone goes through the same thing at some point in their lives.

Sometimes break-ups/breaks do make you realise how much you do love that person, and how much you didn't appreciate them, or how you should of appreciated them more. Mostly, we just forget the reason why we broke up with them, and we start to see that person in this wonderful light, oh the curse of rose tinted glasses! That's one phrase that's been thrown at me many times by my friend Hannah recently!

We too easily forget why we've broken up with them, and how we felt, the initial break-up hurts more than the relationship did, so we think we're better off in it. I'm sorry to break it to you all, but you have to work for your happiness in this world. If you're not happy in that relationship, you have to fight through the pain, to achieve any gain! Is that pain in the relationship really worth going back to, when the relationship is good, it's great and it makes you feel amazing... but it doesn't mean for you to feel that you have to go through all the shit that makes you unhappy. Every relationship has shitty stages, but if you're often upset in your relationship, can you honestly say you're truly happy?

Some people have the complete opposite problem, some people, break up over something that they really shouldn't of done, and still want to be with each other, but are too stubborn to open up, because they're terrified of getting hurt. What's even more crazy is that they know both of them feel the same way. Just bloody go for it, swallow your fear, and do a special gesture. Otherwise... if you both keep shut, you won't ever get around to fixing anything.

Breakups are a weird time, they can be the most confusing times, or they can just clarify everything. Sometimes, it's an instant reaction, where some people don't feel it months down the line. Either way, usually,  you shouldn't listen to the first emotion you feel...

Are our relationships always worth it?

One thing that I see with many couples and relationships is that they spend all their time arguing and being annoyed at each other, and it just makes me think, why are you guys even together?

I know a few people have commented on this, and feel the same way as me, and asked advice on this, the only thing I can say is to just ask yourselves...

Are you happy? Seems like a stupid obvious question. But really think about it, does arguing make you happy? honestly? Too many people turn around and say 'But he/she makes me happy' or that when it's good it's amazing. But are the bad times really worth the good times?

We all get stressed out with our relationships at some point, but a lot of couples bicker and argue almost every day if not every day. Yet still won't leave each other. Everyone deserves so much better than that. If you're getting upset with each other that often then the truth is, you're just not right for each other.
Would you stick around through all that arguing if it was with a friend? Doubtful.

Everyone goes through rough patches, where arguing seems to be constant, this is usually because the trust in the relationship has been broken by one of the partners, You do sometimes get through it, but that's what breaks are for right? To escape that.
Keeping a relationship together so tightly through rough patches like those, only puts more pressure and strain into a relationship.

People are terrified of going on 'breaks' because they feel it is the end of the relationship, and people do use the term 'break' to break up, so it's understandable. But they are good for giving the relationship what it needs to get back on track. It's not rocket science to know that taking the pressure away from a relationship will do it good. Space always helps the relationship calm down, and gives people the chance to get over what is hurting them.

Just a thought :)

Are our friends too clingy?

One thing I've had a few emails about recently is how friendships are affected when relationships with other people come into the picture.
I've had a few emails off people asking for advice and what to do when they feel their friendships are slowly changing as their friends or even themselves have become involved in a relationship.
These kinds of situations happen to everyone at least once, and more often than not the situations can get a little messy.

'Hi Rebbie,
Me and my friend have been best friends all the way through school, but recently, she's started seeing this guy. We all like him, and he's great fun to be around. But we never see her any more. Everyone in our group of friends try to invite her out when we do stuff and hang out, but she never comes out, and spends all of her time with him. This has been going on for a few weeks now, and one of our friends tried talking to her, and asked if we were all still friends to her, and why she hadn't seen us any more, and she just got really angry. Her boyfriend isn't helping either, we all got along with him great, but now he thinks we're all jealous of them cuz none of us are in relationships and we're just being clingy. I don't know what we can do, because everytime we try to talk to her about it, she just gets angry.'

Unfortunately these kinds of things do happen to everyone, I was just sat with my friend not so long ago today, and she was explaining to me how her and her friends haven't seen one of their friends since she got with her girlfiriend, it's an all too common situation and unfortunately it messes with friendships that are years old.
The best thing I feel you can do now, is not to pressure them into seeing you. I've made that mistake before, it's natural for us to want to fight for our friendships, but as you've said your friend isn't having any of it. If the  reaction to you and your friends wanting to spend time with this girl, and wondering why she isn't seeing you anymore, then there really is no point in pushing her any further. It will only result in more arguments and your friendships being destroyed completely by the arguments.
As for the boyfriend saying that you guys are all jealous, regardless of whether you guys are or not, it isn't the approach he should be taking towards the situation. It's only going to cause more bitterness between you and your friend, because your friend will then believe you can't be happier for her, which from what you said really isn't the case. Her boyfriend should understand that you've had a relationship with your friend all the way through school, and therefore it's an important relationship in his girlfriends life. Surely he'd want his girlfriend to have her friends around her? Even if he didn't personally like you guys, his girlfriend clearly liked you guys enough to spend however many years close with you guys and at the end of the day, that is what matters.
I'd always try and convince my boyfriend to not argue with his friends, friends are one of the most important things in life, what is life without friends? It seems very inconsiderate to influence and push someone's friendships into breaking even more...
Either way, by the sounds of it, there isn't really anything you can do to improve the situation. Your friend doesn't seem too interested for the moment to keep things the way they were, and is really defensive when you do try. My advice would be to prevent any more arguments is to, not bring up the situation and ask about it because it's clearly leading to negative reactions.

Take it as a friendship drifting away, which I know isn't the outcome that you want, but from what you've told me and my experiences with me and my friends that have gone through this, is that unless things change drastically or that they break up, I don't feel you'll be spending time with your friend like you used to. Unfortunately some people lose sight in the importance of friends when they're in a relationship. I've known many people to go down that path, and there'll always be people who do.
They don't always realise what they're doing, and it's a massive shame to let a friendship go. But what you and your friends need to decide now, and where you'll stand with this friend of yours, if anything happened and your friend came running back to you guys, would you be there for her as a friend? Or would you take the 'we're not going to be around only when it suits you approach?' Do you really want to be friends with someone who would ditch you when a new partner comes into the picture? But do you really want to let go of this friend?

What I thought was interesting, was that the boyfriend said you guys were 'too clingy' and it got me wondering, are us friends too clingy when our friends take on other priorities in their lives? Are we expecting too much to want to keep the same friendships when new relationships come into the picture. Trying to see it from the other perspective, where should the line be drawn between, seeing friends, seeing partners, work/school, family etc.

What is more important to you? Friends, Family, Relationships, work, or trying to keep the balance between  them all. Personally I like the balance I have now, I spend a lot of time with friends, my brother, and when I can, my boyfriend, and still have time to get on with work, write this blog, and have time for myself.
But not everyone is the same as me, people prioritise things differently, and this is what I want to hear from you guys.
What do you prioritise? And do you feel friends can be clingy when it comes to keeping hold of friendships? If so, where's the line for you? Everyone's different and it's all a matter of opinion, I'm just curious too see what you guys think...

So either comment below, Follow me on twitter or facebook (Links above) or email me at Shaneyxcakes@gmail.com

Cutting off ties....

Should we allow the people that hurt us to stick around in our lives or should we cut off all ties, and if so, when is the best time to do so?

This is a situation that's a lot easier said than done... If someone has hurt us, we can still want them in our lives, and still want to be around them. But we don't always see if that's good for us.
No one should place themselves in a situation that will hurt them. If it upsets you to be around them, or to talk to someone from a past relationship that has hurt you. Then don't have them around and don't talk to them.
The reason why people get upset when they're with their ex's is because they miss the better times with them, and having them so close. A little bit of pointing out the obvious there, but we try to keep them around, and in our lives because we try to latch on to what we had with them, and we get upset because we know it's not the same. That part of our life is over, and we have to deal with that change. Sometimes it's not always easy to accept.
If it isn't that easy to accept, then the best way to accept it, is to cut off those ties, don't emotionally torture yourself with it. (Sounds a little dramatic, but it is what you are doing to yourself.) People ask when is the best way to cut off ties with an ex, the answer? The second it starts to hurt you. Yeah, people can stay friends after a relationship and many people still hang out and stuff, but if you weren't ready to give up that relationship, then it's only going to hurt you, and that hurt isn't necessary, and I don't believe it's a good idea for anyone to put themselves in that situation.

You can come back to it later, when you're emotionally ready to have them in your life again.

Something that seems even more crazy is when we have moved on, that person from the past can still come back into ours lives, and we remember how it was, and begin to miss it again. It happens to a lot of people and we end up comparing it to what we have now. Sometimes even believing we were happier with what we had rather than what we have. And I think it's a little bit of 'we want what we can't have' sort of thing, and especially if we see someone else with what we want, we get jealous, and want it just a little bit more...

Some people even break off relationships to go back to what they had, and mostly they do regret it, and to everyone outside of the situation, it seems like a crazy thing to do. Is it?
Especially if we're the ones who got hurt in the past relationship, it's a lot easier to fall back into the trap we were in then. Because we didn't willingly take away what made us happy, so we crave it a little bit more because we weren't finished with it. It was something that we wanted and it got taken away from us.

It's natural for when that happens for us to want it back, and what people don't always see is the mistake of throwing away what they have now, because we're comfortable and happy, and what we had that made us happy before is a temptation to what we think would make us happier.
People believe that a person has changed, and they won't hurt them again... etc. We have a lot of excuses to justify what we're doing/thinking/feeling. But in reality it's usually a false happiness, things don't change, things didn't work out for a reason, and we forget that. We also don't realise or underestimate how much we'd be losing by throwing away what we have then, one, because we're comfortable and sitting tight and happy. And two, because usually, we've never been in a situation where we could of lost what we have before.
People don't realise the damage they do by throwing away relationships, because of the temptation, the illusion of things being better the second/third/forth etc time around and because we don't always appreciate what we do have in our lives.
To other people it seems crazy, but they don't know what we're thinking or feeling, we might see more of a picture of the situation, but outsiders can actually see the clearer picture. We do tend to lose our way, and follow our senses and emotions, but they can be very misleading.

Do we need to follow our head or our heart? Our head needs to pull the reigns on our hearts every now and again, but not so much so we aren't going anywhere. We need to follow what makes us happy, but also what is good for us.
And what seems to make us happy, isn't always what's good..