Is being in a relationship really that great?

Ok, so we all know being in a nice happy relationship, is pretty nice, but there are always those people where being in a relationship is their life goal. Does being in a relationship really complete you?

Some people are so desperate to be in a relationship, to be loved, they convince themselves they fall in love with the first person who comes along. It’s not right. I’ve seen people being all emo and threatening to kill themselves when someone they barely know refuses to go out with them. I’ve seen people run into a relationship with the first person who came along after the last person. Yeah. Why?

I don’t understand the big deal with people and why being in a relationship is so important to them. Then when they are in a relationship, within a couple of weeks they’re in love and they’re planning a future together and telling all their friends that they are really special. But the reality is, if it wasn’t that person, it would have been someone else, and they’d be in the exact same position claiming that they’re such a special couple, when its really not, it’s not even real. It’s nothing but an atmosphere of desperation.

We don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, we need ourselves to be happy, and do everything that makes us happy. Yeah I understand that having a ‘special someone’ makes life quite a bit better when you’ve found someone who’s not just a randomer. But why should that be the main focus in your life, especially when you’re young.

Personally I can’t bear the thought of having someone to be the main focus in my life, I have friends who are moving in with boyfriends/girlfriends and I personally don’t understand it, I want to live with my friends for a good few years yet before I even think about it. What about you guys?

People who think being in a relationship is the most important thing in their lives, are basically just wasting their lives, when there’s so much more they could be doing with them. Concentrating 100% on your relationship and not on anything else to me is a massive waste of your life. The thing is we can have it all, and do we really need someone else to ‘complete us.’ It can feel like at times a relationship is what’s missing in our lives, but we don’t need it to make us any more of a person. We should value ourselves so much more.

The Friends and Ex boyfriends debate.

Ending a relationship is always hard, and it’s always hard to see your friends going through break ups too. One of the main uncertainties during and after a break up is the state of relationships with your ex partner and the people around you both. A lot of people take sides when a break up happens, usually more so when that break up isn’t the smoothest of ones.
But is there really any need half of time? I’ve seen a lot of petty shit get thrown around over things that happened in a relationship that really has nothing to do with them.
I have a question for you, how close is too close when you’re closest friends are friends with your ex partner? Obviously we have the unwritten rule that you just don’t get involved romantically with your friends ex right? And most people would say they wouldn’t mind their friends being friends with their ex, as long as nothing more was going on between them, yes?
I have a scenario I’d like to share with you, and there’s a lot of mixed emotions involved with this, and your opinion would be really really appreciated!

Your friend and their partner break up, and in the months they have been together, you’ve developed a friendship with this person your friend has been with. A while goes by and your friend is still rather devastated over the break up, they ask you to talk to their ex partner to try and see if there’s any chance of them working things out. As their friend you agree, and start talking to their ex partner to see what’s going on with their life etc, and you find out this person has moved on and wants to be with someone else, and asks you not to tell your friend because they‘re unsure on what‘s going on with this person yet. As a friend to them you agree not to say anything.

Would you be doing a particularly bad thing? To your friend if they ever found out, would you have gone behind their back? Or lied to them etc? Or would you say you’re just trying to be good friend?
People argue all the time with their friends as to where their ‘priorities lie.’ Should we really expect our friends to go behind our back and fake promises to just to find out things that inevitably going to hurt us?
Or do we do it, in the hope our ex partners are missing us, and hoping they haven’t moved on.

I love my friends, and for the most part I really get on with the people they’re with, if anything between them and my friends, providing they weren’t a dick to them, I would still want to have some kind of friendship with them. Same if I broke up with my boyfriend, I’ve met a few really cool people that he’s pretty close with, I’d still want to keep in contact with them...
But then what if it was the other way around? If my friends started hanging around or having a close relationship with my most recent ex, I don’t quite know how I’d feel. Every relationship is different from all the others. What happens in them determines how sensitive a subject or situation is to the people involved.

As friends should we try and stay away from their ex, or would a real friend be honest and say where their friendships lie. Would you really want to be friends with someone who would drop a friendship just like that? Do we expect too much from our friends? What do you guys think?

Nothing like a good old traditional life...

Our society has come a long way with it's views on relationships and marriage, For example it's no longer as expected for us to wait until marriage until we move in with our partner, and even to get married at all! But there is still quite a bit of pressure within some groups of people to follow these old traditions. But are they really the right way to go about things?

I love the freedom we have in our relationships today, being able to live with our partners before marriage, and the fact the pressure has been taking off slightly to get married at all! To me, this means we can all make the decisions that are right for us!

Living with your partner before hand (co-habitation) is a great 'trial marriage' you learn a lot more about your partner, and even more importantly, you find out whether you can actually put up with them! A lot of couples break up after only a few months of living with each other. Why? Purely for the reason that they just aren't meant to be. So I really don't understand how people and some parties in the government can argue how co-habitation is really that wrong to our society, people complain about the divorce rate, and how it's going up, and a big part of that is because of this freedom we have with our lives and relationships, the negative stigma attached to divorce barely exists any more, and it just plainly lets people get along with their lives in a much more positive way. Before divorce was accepted into society, a lot of married couples weren't happy, some even lived apart, but stayed married because that was what was expected of them. They weren't happy, and trust me, if they accepted divorce back then, it would of been quite high then.

So just imagine how high the divorce rate would be today, if co-habitation didn't exist.... wow.

Personally, Like a lot of women out there, I'm pretty glad the focus of my life isn't to find a husband and have a family at some crazy young age! I don't think I could handle my mum trying to find me a husband while I'm only 19! I know even in our society the pressure is on when us women start to age around 25, not many of us like the idea of being husband-less and childless at age 30! Women have come so far through history, I can't wait to finish uni and get a job and earn my own way, so I don't have to rely on my husbands income. Especially with the employment crisis today! I'm not relying on a man to provide for me! Haha.

I personally have a lot of things I want to do with my life, and I think society today is great for being able to do that (apart from the employment crisis obviously!). I can do what I dream of doing before settling down and having to deal with the responsibility of having kids and what not. Even when I am married, there's no longer the expectation of becoming a full time housewife, (otherwise my husband would be seriously disappointed with my cleaning skills). I can continue to live my life just as I was before, just with the extra responsibility of putting with a male in your house!

And for those people who don't want to get married, there is still a little bit of pressure for us to do so, especially with the older generation expressing how they believe the important of marriage in our society. But for those people who don't believe in it, they can make that decision freely not to get married if that's what's best for them. The freedom in this is amazing, and we can all make the personal choices, and do what makes us happiest. I really believe this freedom really does benefit our relationships as a whole.

I personally love the idea of marriage, I can't really explain to you why, I guess it's just about the whole putting two people together, and creating that family. But the reality is, you don't need marriage to do that, everything that marriage stands for can be practised in any family, whether a couple is married or not.
For those religious people obviously it has more meaning within it to those non religious. I love the way society is more respectful of peoples decisions, it is more accepted to move in with your partner, and children without getting married and all the other topics I've mentioned today. If a family works and is happier feeling the need not to get married or whatever, then surely that family is better than a dysfunctional family? Some people do get married when they don't want to or aren't ready, and it affects them more emotionally then they thought, and it does break up families, and cause more trouble than what it's worth.
So if people are happy and that family is happy within their decisions, that's great right? Even if it does go against the old traditions.

Too Serious, Too Soon?

Everyone knows that at the beginning of a relationship you tend to have that 'honeymoon period'
where everything is perfect, and you don't know what could possibly go wrong in your relationship
etc etc.

But there are those couples who don't seem to ever leave that stage. The couples who think they'll
be together forever and nothings going to break them up...
Well i'm not saying there's nothing wrong with that, always good to have a little optimism in
your relationship right?

And there are those couples who move in together after say, what? 3 weeks? a stupidly little amount
of time, get engaged after only a couple of weeks and are married in the space of a month?

Each to their own and all that, but when is it acceptable to start making those more serious
decisions and steps into your relationship?

You hear the lovely fairtale stories where a couple will meet, know they're meant to be together
and make those decisions and take those steps in a short amount of time and are still together 50 years
later and all that. Which is sweet as hell, don't get me wrong. But the reality is, many people
are so so wrong when making those decisions so early.

I'm only 19 years old, and i've watched alot of my class mates settle down with their boyfriends
more or less as soon as we finished school at 16, and had kids. All of their relationships fell
apart within the first few months of their babies being born (at the most).
Is this all part of the adolesent obsession to grow up and be adults?
My friends at uni, who are in new relationships talk about how they're talking with their partners
about moving in together when they've finished uni. Which after the 2 years we still have of Uni
is a little more sensible, but their relationship was still in the first couple of months stage.
Are people now a days that desperate to settle down and have their life sorted?

Not that I want to dampen anyone's happiness or anything. I just don't see the rush in getting so settled down so quickly.

I know a girl who was in my younger brothers year at school, by the end of school she had 2 kids. I agree that kids are some of the most amazing things to have in your life, but at an age so young, what else are going to know other than your kids.
I believe people should have other goals in their life, rather than find a boyfriend, settle down and have kids. Even if it is just to go out and enjoy the younger years you have, you won't be able to do so much of it by the time your kids have grown up and you have that freedom again.

What are your views on how long you would personally want to wait till making the decision on
moving in with your partner, marriage, etc.

Once a cheat, always a cheat?

After reading the comments on the advice question about cheating yesterday, I realised how different people's views are on cheating and forgiveness...

Not everyone always agrees with second chances, personally I do. If my partner cheated on me, and he seemed genuinely sorry, I think I could give them the second chance, but if they did it again. They'd be straight out of the door.
Everyone can make a mistake, everyone can slip up at a moment. It doesn't make it OK, but we're all guilty of doing the wrong thing. No one reading this can say they haven't messed up at some point in their life. It's not an excuse, but if you have something worth not throwing away for one mistake? Second chances are surely understandable right?

I've collected a few opinions from the people closest to me, and the opinion is pretty split between, giving them the one second chance and ending it right there and then.

Obviously when you find out your partners cheated on you, you need time to heal, and things can't straight away go back to how you were. But one thing people need to make a relationship work is commitment. I know cheating isn't being committed in a relationship, but if you're willing to admit when you've made a mistake and stick around to prove that you want the relationship to work and that you're sorry. Then that's showing a hell of a lot of commitment.
And being the person who got cheated on, it's still showing a lot of commitment by working through the bad times to save a relationship that makes you happy.

My advice to anyone who's going through a tough time due to cheating. This is the advice I'd give to anyone.
For the partner who's been cheated on.
Look at your relationship, how was it before you found this out? How happy were you? And look at the situation, is it a one off mistake? Compare that to how happy you were in your relationship and ask yourself, is it really worth throwing away your whole relationship for? Is it something you feel you can work through, and if you did, would it be worth it to be as happy as you were before? And the most important thing, can you trust them not to hurt you like that again? and do you believe them to be truly sorry?
Only when you've answered those questions can you honestly know whether you can still commit yourself to that relationship.
For the partner that cheated.
First questions first, do you regret it? And do you believe yourself to never make the same mistake again? If you know you wouldn't do it again, then by all means fight for your relationship, if you want to that is.
If you do, don't push your partner into taking you back straight away. Give them the space, yet do everything you can to prove yourself without suffocating them.
Listen to what they have to say, and accept how they feel. Allow yourself to explain without causing an argument. Things won't get better straight away, but being too defensive can only make things worse.

Hope this helps.
If anyone needs any advice, or has idea for a blog topic, email me at Shaneyxcakes@gmail.com

I Don't know where I'm going with life anymore...

Hi Rebbie-
I feel as if im going no where in life atm, i went to college, enjoyed it, made friends and passed, but now i don't know what to do, i just want to earn money and work.. and sometimes i feel so alone even though i know i have people around me..i don't know if i'm good enough for anyone.
Anon.




Hi Anon!
First of all, Congrats on getting through college! I know getting a job is really hard at the moment. Assuming you're on job seekers? Have you tried temping agencies? They're agencies that help people find temporary work, while their employers are on temporary leave for things such as maternity leave/sickness leave. To find some in your local area Google 'Temping agencies - then wherever you live' and sign up, it's free to do so.
A couple of my flatmates found work via these over the summer. It's a great way to earn some money until you find yourself a permanent job!
Have you also considered Volunteering in a charity shop or something? I know it's not paid work, but I've done a little and it definitely keeps your spirits up, and gives you something to do so you don't feel like you're not doing anything with your life.
You shouldn't feel so hard on yourself. Of course you're good enough for people, as you said you have people around you, just surround yourself with those people and just think about how much they mean to you. It surprisingly instantly puts things into a much better perspective.
Everyone feels alone at times, even when we have everyone around. It's usually just a phase that passes, the best cure is going out and doing something fun with your friends, bowling, or even going out to get a slice of pizza.
Surround yourself with the people who make you the happiest, it won't last forever, i promise :).


Anyone else want some free advice on anything? Email me at Shaneyxcakes@gmail.com

Why doesn't he understand his cheating hurt me?

Hi Rebbie-
My Boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me a few months ago with this girl. I was devastated. It still hurts and it doesn't make it easier when this girl is commenting on his facebook, flirting with him and that.
At the same time he doesn't make it any easier either, when I do get upset about it, he tells me i'm stupid and that it's a joke.. I just feel uncomfortable knowing that he's cheated on me with her and she's acting in that way, and he's getting annoyed at me for it.
He even told me I was lucky to have him.. because apparently when I said I'd give him a second chance, he didn't want to get back with me... So why did he?
It's just really getting to me and I don't know what to do. Surely he should be the lucky one for taking him back?
What do you think I should do?
Sarah. x

Hey Sarah.
You're totally right, he is the lucky one if he's been given a second chance after what he did. He should understand how you feel about the way they act together, knowing what happened between them. As long as you're not making a deal of it too often. He should respect the way that you feel, and he should have a little more respect for the relationship. If his friendship with this girl is damaging the 3 year relationship he has with you, then he has to think, and decide whether this 'friend' is worth the trouble it's causing with you.
Personally if a friend of mine was causing problems in my relationship, providing my partner wasn't causing problems too, I'd be telling that friend to back off for the sake of my relationship.
I don't agree with the way he talks to you, telling you you're stupid and that you're lucky to have him still. You're only human and it's only natural for you to feel the way you do. Anyone who cares about their relationship would feel a little uneasy if their partner was still being flirty and whatnot to someone they'd been unfaithful to you with. Especially if he cheated on you quite a while into your relationship, looking at the fact you said it was a few months ago, it would of been 2 years into the relationship at least? It would of been slightly different if it was right at the beginning. But 2 years is a serious relationship and he will have really broken your trust by doing that. He's wrong to say you're the lucky one for him agreeing to still be with you. For one thing, he's the one with the second chance, and if he really didn't want to be you, then you're definitely not lucky being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you too.
In my opinion this guy really needs to get over himself a little bit. He's nothing special if he goes around treating people like this, so he should stop thinking he is. I know after 3 years it would be hard to let go of a relationship, but I personally think that if he doesn't start treating you with a little more respect, you should find someone who does. But I really admire the fact you're giving your relationship another go, and that you're willing to try and forgive him. It proves how much you care.
And I really hope things get better!

Anyone else who has any problems they'd like some advice with email me at, Shaneyxcakes@gmail.com
Thanks guys!

F/P/E Part 2.

Everyone is protective of themselves, and their friends... and noone wants them or their friends to get hurt/messed around etc. But where's the line between being protective and just being a dick...?

When your friend is in a relationship with someone you don't approve of or get along with, what do you do? I've known people to get involved in other peoples relationships and sometimes it has a positive result and sometimes it creates an un-needed situation.

Truth is guys, you can't influence someone about who they can and can't be with, if you do, are you really being a great friend? In your eyes that person may not be right or good enough etc for your friend, but you have to let your friends make their own decisions, even if they are mistakes. I'm not saying if they're doing something being your friends back not to tell them or anything. But you can't go around hating on your friends partners just because you don't like them... How do you think that would make your friend feel?
Respect is something that is really lacking between friends now a days, and i feel writing this blog i'm lecturing you guys... and maybe in a sense i am. But this is what i personally believe and what i've seen from personal experience is the best way to go about these certain situations.

So what if you're on the other side? The partner who's hated by his/hers friends. My advice? IGNORE THEM. Easier said than done i know. But if you don't retaliate when you feel you're being treat unfairly. Your partner will appreciate the fact you're being mature and not hating on their friends. At the end of the day they are nothing to do with your relationship and if they're not your friends, they're nothing to do with your personal life. They may be a part of theirs, but they're not a part of yours, so pretend they don't exist, no matter how bad they make you feel. Hating on their friends will get you NOWHERE. If your partner is strong enough to tell them where to stick it and get over it, they will. That is also a great way of seeing how great they are :D.

So much unneeded drama is caused by people conflicting over friends and relationships. It will get you nowhere, ever. One thing you'll always have to do is respect the fact other people in your life have people in theirs you might not agree with... but that's just life right? :)

Friends/Partners/Enemies (Part1)

In my own personal life, I have a few dramas going on, however they are classic example of common conflicts that happen as new relationships and friendships starts and old ones end... They go in quite a funny order, i could order the dramas to the beginning, during and ending of relationships. However due to some of these dramas occurring presently. I really can't discuss some of them tonight.

Conflicts between friends and your partner. Always a tricky one if you find yourself caught up in the middle huh?
There's always going to be complications and you obviously can't make both sides happy. This particular situation I'm going to run through 2 blogs, One being the friend stuck in the middle, and one arguing both sides of conflict.

Everyone always wants their friends to get along with their partner. Makes life so much easier right? But not everyone can get along. And everyone believes you should live by the rules of choosing your friends over any guy/girl. But should that really be the rule?
Girlfriends and boyfriends come and go more than your friends do, but does that mean they should really be the ones who end up losing the tug of war between them and your friends?

I've been in a relationship where i couldn't get along with my boyfriends friends, and that personally upset me. And I never like to think i would of let a boyfriend choose me over his friends, but this situation changed my opinion somewhat.
It was always hard to be around his friends when i knew how they behaved with me, i always felt really uncomfortable. According to a lot of people who witnessed what was going on, the word they would describe what they did, was bullying.
Bullying as we all know, is never acceptable, and what happened in this situation is no exception. But for my boyfriend, it was a horrible situation to be in. As much as you don't want to take any particular side to a conflict between your friends and your partner, you are also the most likely person to be able to settle it all down.
Friends over boyfriends and girlfriends, is usually the most accepted way in friendship groups to go about things. So if the conflict becomes too overbearing.... do you follow this rule?
I personally believe that whole rule is utter crap.
Absolute bullshit.
Support who's in the right, and if neither party is in the right, give them both a backhand to the face and tell them to deal with it (Ok, maybe not a physical backhand, but verbally atleast :P)
Take my situation for example, if i didn't retaliate to what was going on, would it be right to choose the bullies over the partner just because it's the accepted rule?
I believe not, and putting it like this, makes it seem pretty obvious that it is the wrong thing to do, but its surprising how many people cave to their friends....
I don't think the rule should apply to conflicts. The rule works well in more petty situations, for example if someone is unbelievably whipped haha. But i believe you should analyse every conflict and go with who is in right, and stand up for what's right.
Don't be afraid to choose your partner in a conflict between them and your friends. It makes the world a much better place....

Agree?

Forgiveness?

How often do we put the blame on people when they don't always 100% deserve it?
Sometimes when we're upset, we personally feel that we can't forgive them? But what if it's not their fault? Should we make more of an effort with the people in our lives when situations clash?
You can never avoid unintentionally hurting someone in your life, it's bound to happen at some point, and we all make mistakes. But sometimes half the problem is that persons lack of ability to see through the facts, and still blame you for things you didn't mean to do.
Human nature makes us angry at the things and people that hurt us, but sometimes even as the victim do we need to make the effort to help make it right again? Forgiveness is a crucial part of life, sometimes it takes us a while to get over things emotionally. But sometimes do people take their personal hurt too far? I've seen friendship and family relationships broken over something that could so easily have been fixed with a little work.
People who do bad things with good intentions, are still good people.
It may not justify what they've done

What do you think? Someone hurt you, who you feel you can't forgive? Or have you hurt someone and you want forgiveness. Share :).

A little advice....

This is something i wrote in May... It was a little advice to my friends.

As I try and write my first new piece for my blog, i couldn't help but think of this... Let me know what you think.

I may not be perfect, but after all i'm only human. At times i cry, at times i piss you off, at times i take things too far, i misunderstand things, but if thats all you see in me, then you don't see anything at all. Do i choose not to fight because i'm weak? Or am i strong enough to believe that it's not the answer. I am a girl who holds a lot of faith, i believe in the people in my life, i believe they will see past the imperfections of my nature, i believe they will see how much they mean to me. We all mistakes, and no one is ever perfect. No one can ever agree 100% whether its a conflict of interest, conflict of humour, moral values or other people they share their lives with. I take my friends as they are, and i believe they will do the same for me. Respect is such a hard thing to come by, and one of the hardest things to maintain if you don't believe the values of the other person. But i wouldn't change you for the world. This world is such a hard place to keep happy, and you never will completely succeed in doing so. We mess up friendships and relationships because the fact that we care makes us scared, scared of getting hurt, scared of the unknown and whats going to happen next. Whether all your efforts will be worth it. It's because it's held so close in our hearts, we can only see our fears of losing it, and acting on those fears, only determines them more. So i'm sorry if i ever screw up...

We give in to things we know we shouldn't, even if you're aware of it or not. We give in to people's feelings, to what they want, what they say. Peer pressure never goes away, influence is everywhere, but not all of it's bad. Some people use it to create high morals for them to live by, and use it for their own benefit. People give in to influence because they think it's the safest option, to avoid conflict. Some people aren't aware of the influence in their life, they allow it to change how they feel, or what they believe. But ask yourself, what really makes you happy? Who are the people that make you feel special, and accept you for who you are.

Back home, i see friendships change all the time, how many people have you lost due to the influence of others? How many people do you know who have changed who they are, just to try and fit in, for attention etc. How many times have we talked about people behind their back, and not really meant what we've said? How many times have we faked an opinion to avoid conflict? I see so many status' on here talking about 'real friends' and 'so called friends'. Have you ever changed your opinion and feelings of someone because everyone else felt differently to you? Because think about it, those people were your in your life for a reason, they made you happy, and at times we forget that.

It's always hard when a close friend has some kind of relationship with someone who isn't fond of you, there will always be tension, and sometimes the conflict isn't civil or pretty. (I should know!) But if that friend of yours is worth keeping, then don't fight against it, if they really are a friend to you respect their other relationships with people. I'm sure its not easy on anyone to have two or more friends at each others throats. Respect goes along way, and friendship is based on loyalty and respect. I'm not saying everything will be fine if you do so, nothing is ever certain, we've all lost friends due to influence and bitching, but if you remain a good friend, then what the hell do they really have to bitch about? Don't change who you are, because someone will see you for who you are, and see the amazing person that you are. It's the people who you don't have to fight for, are the ones that are worth it. The one's who will stick by you through everything, and see and appreciate everything you do for them.

I wouldn't change a thing about my friends, i love them all for who they are, i respect every aspect of them and their life, even if it doesn't always agree with mine. They are amazing people who make my life what it is, they make me happy and i never forget that :). Being the nice person doesn't always work, falling into the habit of being selfish is so easy and we are all guilty for it, but i believe it only helps you see the people who are really worth your time, if people can see your loyalty as a friend and stand by you, surely it would all be worth it.